Christmas

Jay and I at the Grove Park Inn restaurant

Jaimie and Jimmy

Jay and I

I hope that everyone had a lovely Christmas. Jay and I did. It is so nice to spend time with his family on Christmas. They are the best family I could ever have hoped for. Jay's mom got me a food processor. I do not know if you have ever witnessed a food processor shredding a block of cheese but it is absolutely amazing! Jay paid for our trip to Biltmore for Christmas and that was so much fun and we got to share it with two of our great friends.

And as a follow up to my Practicing the Art of Letting Go Post, we are going to take a break from TTC for a little while. We need to fcous on other things.

Some things you may or may not know about me

1) I am a pessimist. I always have been and always will be.
2) I was a tom-boy growing up and spent much of my time in a large magnolia tree in my front yard.
3) In the past 4 years my husband and I have custom built a house, sold it moved to a new city and remodeled another house.
4) Halloween is my favorite holiday.
5) I have owned 5 cars in 12 years. A ford escort, buick, chevy cavalier, chrysler sebring and now a honda civic.
6) Though I am a teacher I did horrible in school. Not just high school, middle and elementary. I was lucky to have graduated high school. I now know that it was because I was lazy and did not try at all.
7) I took ballet for 3 years.
8) My mom could only get me to go sleep if she sat with me and rubbed my back.
9) I am very gullible. I believe anyone I love.
10) I hate shaving my legs, it is one of those things you have to do and it is gross if you don't but I hate doing it.

All those who feel happy please stand up

Oh, Oh not so fast Kim...
One of my friends called me last night to warn me that another teacher I know is pregnant. It really upset me on several different levels. But, mainly it made me pissed off at my friend who decided it would be best to tell me this information before I "found out from someone else". This teacher is obviously not telling anyone yet since it is a secret and now I have to walk around with this secret information. Not only that but I am not even at school, why share this information with me knowing it would upset me? Why not wait to tell me after the holidays were over? I am so over some people...

Baptism

I got Baptized today. It was a very meaningful ceremony and my in-laws and husband were there supporting me. Also, the sermon today was focused on wanting something in your future so bad that you forget to enjoy the present. The sermon spoke to me on many different levels. It was a great day.

My new obsession

The funny part is that I thought all of these girls were crazy to swoon over this book and the main character. I read the first book, thinking I am going to read this book and see what all of the hype is about. I also thought, it can't be that good. Boy, was I wrong.

Yes, this is my new obsession. I can sit and read these books for hours. I actually said to my husband this morning that I was thinking about skipping church so I could read about vampires. Ironic huh? Anyway, I made Jay take me to see Twilight the movie. Of course it was not as good as the book. But the more I thought about the more I realized that there was no way it could be as good as the book. These books could not have come into my life at a better time. Today I finished the second book New Moon and I can't wait to read the rest.

Practicing the Art of Letting Go

The title of this post says alot. I am trying to practice the art of letting go. I have stopped taking my temperature each morning and using FF. I am trying to only use my CBEFM for this cycle. After this cycle I think we may take a break. I am tired of not being me and having my act together because my world has revolved around TTC. It is time to be me again. I am picking myself up off the floor and I am determined to be happy, even if that means without a baby.

6 long months

It has been 6 long months trying to have a baby. I am starting to loose hope. I mentioned to Jay last night that I was not sure if I could continue to do this. My emotions have been on a roller coaster for the past 6 months. They start with hope and optimism, they break down into despair, and then rebuild themselves for the possibility of something great, only to be torn down again. I find myself questioning the little bit of faith that I have. I just read on someone else's blog that they were considering going back on birth control pills and never admitting the fact that they considered having a baby. That sounds like a great idea right now. I hope within the next few days as my PMS goes away that I can have hope again.

It's going to be an interesting week

Yep. It is going to interesting this week to say the least.
Monday- Thanksgiving feast day with a bunch of rowdy 4th graders. Enough said.
Tuesday- said 4th graders will be even wilder and I will have to try to keep them under control and then go to graduate class that night and present a project
Wednesday- clean the house for Thanksgiving and find an hour to work out.
Thursday- Oh Thursday, we will get to that in a minute.
Friday- Recover

A few years ago I took over the holiday duties from my grandmother. I was happy to do it and I still am. But, let me give you a little run down of how it goes. We have done EVERYTHING the same at Thanksgiving and Christmas as long as I can remember. Well my grandma and mom begin calling me to plan a month in advance (and Jay wonders where I get it from, ha). Grandma brings her gallons of chardonnay. Yes, you read that right. Which most say "whoo-hoo your g-ma sounds fun". Well she is most days. But, when she falls off a barstool in your living room and almost lands on your 12 pound dog, that is not so fun.
And to be honest, I am dreading the holidays this year. I guess because I am not sure how I will feel. My sadness seems to sneak up on me quickly and sometimes without warning. Thursday will be the first time I have seen any of my family members since my m/c. I am also not sure how I feel about that. My m/c was two months ago and many of the people in my life have not had as much presence as I would have thought that they would. I am not mad, maybe just disappointed. My hope is that the holidays will bring joy and not sorrow.

Blessings

* I am thankful that we have a new president whose ideas are fresh and new. He will bring a much needed new life to the United States.

* I am thankful that I have a wonderful, supportive family

* I am thankful for my home and being fortunate enough to renovate it the way we want

Blessings Time

I saw this on a fellow nesties blog. She does a blessing post every week on Sunday. I am going to try to take on that tradition since all of my posts seem to be negative.

I am blessed because:

* I have a husband who is amazing and will listen when I complain, cry, shout or any emotion I have at that moment. He does not judge me, he just supports me.

* I have a best friend that will always be there for me. She is an amazing, caring, loyal person. She is my rock.

* I have the best mutt dogs a girl could ask for. They are stinky and stupid, but they are mine and they are the best.

* I am fortunate that DH has an amazing job that provides for us basic necessities and a lot more.

* That my MIL is healthy following her kidney transplant last year.

The Evil Witch

I have always known that PMS is evil. I think everyone knows that. But, when you are TTC it is downright devilish. Lets think about it. Signs of PMS: emotional, crampy, hungry. And now lets evaluate early pregnancy signs: emotional, crampy, hungry. I woke up this morning and tested and I would be lying to you if I said it was the only test I have taken this week. I thought it was a shot in the dark because my temp went down this morning. And, you guessed it BFN. I was very emotional last night. I love Halloween, with a passion. But, this year I could not even bring myself to turn on the porch lights and give out candy. It was utterly too sad for me. I went to Target yesterday afternoon and went to look at the Halloween stuff that was on sale. They had onesies that said "my 1st Halloween" and all I could think about was how I was supposed to be buying one of those for my baby. I should be about to find out the sex of the baby, not praying over sticks that there will be two lines. If Halloween brings up these emotions, what will Thanksgiving and Christmas be like?

The obsession begins

Anyone who knows me knows I am a complete control freak. Well, I tried to give up my control issues when we started TTC. I told my husband that I wanted to get pregnant naturally. My exact words were "I do not want to be one of those girls who sticks her butt in the air and has sex at certain times to get pregnant". Well, that happened when I got pregnant the 1st time. I think that has been something that is hard for me to accept. To me, my first pregnancy was almost perfect. It happened the way I wanted it to, my due date was perfect because I could take the rest of the school year off and spend 4 months with my baby, and I would be pregnant in winter. The only thing that was not perfect was the pregnancy itself. It is weird how things can change in a matter of a day. Now that I have had my miscarriage I do not care about any of that stuff, I just want to be pregnant again. I will gladly stick my butt in the air after sex, have sex when my OPKs tell me to, spend only 6 weeks with my baby, and be pregnant in the heat of summer. I just want a family.

I am now 4 days past ovulation and I am obsessing about the possibility of being pregnant again. God, please send me a baby.

October 15th

How church hurts and helps

Since we have moved to a new city a year and a half ago we have had problems finding a church that felt comfortable to us. A few weeks before I had my miscarriage people at work were randomly inviting me to their church. I remember going home and saying "God, I am taking your hint that we need to go back to church." I am glad that he saw the need to encourage me to attend church before my miscarriage. We tried two before my miscarriage. One of which I love and we have still been visiting. Every Sunday that I go I love the sermons and they have had much more meaning to me since our miscarriage. However, every Sunday brings a sadness as I sit in church and look around at all of the families together. Sundays have been a time of healing, but in some aspects have been hard on me. I guess it is part of this whole process.

On a brighter note, my friend April who was had preeclampysia gave birth at 25 weeks to a healthy baby girl, Ansley. In a weird way her giving birth has helped me heal. Seeing the miracle from the beginning to the birth and experiencing along side her, what she is going through. All the while watching both mom and daughter stay strong and survive, has given me a new hope in all that I feel was lost in my miscarriage.

Pictures

My husband was sitting with me the other night as I checking my pregnancy loss board and he was asked me why I don't have a picture in my signature like most of the other people do. So yesterday morning I was messing around on the message board and decided to find a recent picture of the two of us to put on there. The most recent one of the two of us is from our trip to Mexico. These pictures brought up so many memories. First of all, a few days before we left for our trip we decided that we would "let nature take its course" and essentially try to get pregnant. We ended up conceiving on that trip. As I looked at the pictures I did not recognize the girl in them. I was so happy. I had no idea the rollercoaster ride that I was about to go through over the next few months. Everybody says a miscarriage changes you. I don't think I realized how true this was until I looked at the pictures. Here are a few that struck me as the "old me".

Normal?

I keep wondering when I will be "normal" again. I belong to a message board for those of us that have gone through a pregnancy loss. These ladies have been absolutely wonderful. A post came up the other day with someone asking if they will ever feel "normal" again. A few of the girls responded "no". It got me thinking. What if I don't ever feel normal again? I know right now I am not. I see EVERYTHING differently now. Simple billboards or going shopping for groceries will never be the same. I see parents mistreating their children and where as before it would make me mad, now I feel mad, sad, tears, and the need to slap the parents for all that they have. There is another teacher at work whose due date is two days after mine. I litterally had to sit in an assembly with her for an hour today and I wanted to cry the whole time. I did hold a baby yesterday, which was a big step for me. I mean no one had to scoop me up off of the floor. No other situation has made me realize how much I need my husband. Things that he would have done that made me mad before the miscarriage, now do not matter. I have to hold out hope that eventually I will feel better. If I don't hold this hope, I have a very bleak outlook. But "normal" is not me right now.

Finding my way

Today was very first day back at work since my miscarriage. It was easy and hard at the same time. I went in this morning and panicked a little and even had to take something to calm me down. My students kept asking me where I was last week and I just said I was sick and had to have surgery. They kept asking but I just responded with the same answer. At one point a student who is a snot, came up to me and said "Mrs. T, I heard you were pregnant and your baby died." To which I responded "Sit down". I had prepared myself for some stupid comments and there is no telling how he found out, but surprisingly I thought a comment like that would send me into tears. But I put on a strong face and continued on with my day. After I got over the intial anxiety of the looks and stares from my colleagues, I began to feel like I was glad to be back at work. Several people talked to me about their miscarriage experiences. Which really helped. It was comforting to know that they found their way to their babies in time.

What I have learned

1) To speak up and tell my doctors what I expect them to do, instead of waiting on them to tell me what is going on.
2) What to say and not say to a person who is grieving especially with a miscarriage. Some of the worst ones:
It was God's plan.
-So you are telling me that God does not want me to be a mother or that God intended for my baby to die.
Everything happens for a reason.
-Say this to someone after the reason comes along, not before.
Kids are annoying you don't want one any way.
-I am sure I do not need not explain why that one upsets me.
3) To pursue what I want and not wait for a right time.
4) That my husband is the best man alive.
5) I want to start a support group for other woman going through this. I feel like most women get this life devastating news and are just home to deal with it themselves and that is terrible.

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today, I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

Maybe this time

I am hoping that this blog ends up more successful than my cooking blog. I started that with excitement too. I began around February and by April I had all but forgotten about it. Maybe since this one won't have as many pictures I can upkeep this one.

On July 18, 2008 my husband and I recieved the great news that we were expecting our first child. We were shocked because we decided not even a week before I ovulated that we would "let nature takes its course". We thought it was going to take a while but we were so ecastic that it happened so soon. The pregnancy seemed like it was going well. I had a crap load of symptoms. I had a great deal of nausea and vomiting and everyone said "oh that is such a good sign". But I could not shake this feeling like something was wrong. I kept telling my husband "I just don't think there is a baby". He would tell me to stop worrying, as I have a tendency to be a worrier. I never had any baby dreams, it was hard to imagine even holding this baby, and I would shy away from anything baby related. I never even felt comfortable or excited in a baby store. Which is strange because I love anything shopping related. But, I kept pushing that feeling to the back of my brain and kept telling myself that every week that goes by without something wrong is a great sign. I was entering the end of my 1st trimester and when my symptoms started to disappear and was worried but convinced myself that it was the fact that I was going into the 2nd trimester.

At exactly 11 weeks while visiting my inlaws, I started spotting. I freaked out and called the dr. Who of course told me it was very normal in pregnancy and that unless I had "period" bleeding that I should not worry, but he wanted to see me first thing Monday morning. My husband was scheduled to fly to Delaware that Monday morning and being the optimisitc one that he is, he kept saying "I really think everything is ok and that I can leave Monday". I begged him to stay. He of course did. At 8:30 Monday morning- Spetember 8, I went to the OB and they immediately tried to find a heartbeat and couldn't. The dr. tried to relieve my worries and said "we can only hear about 50% of heartbeats as far along as you are." They then sent me back for an internal ultrasound. Within seconds I knew something was wrong. The ultrasound tech kept asking "are you sure about your dates?" She left the room and my poor husband says "is that the baby?" and I said "we don't have a baby". When the dr. came in he said "I am sorry but this is a miscarriage". My pregnancy mantra was "I am pregnant until a medical professional tells me otherwise." Well...

After talking to many other woman on message boards and in real life I knew immediately I wanted a D&C. They told me I could do it that day or the next. I said that day. We went to outpatient surgery and most things were a blur. My husband was my rock during all of this he called everyone and took great care of me. But, when I saw him cry I knew that my feelings were not just an overreaction. Some of the questions before surgery did nothing but upset me. For instance "Are you pregnant?" How do I answer that? But the D&C itself was by far the easiest process. I woke up feeling like that now I could begin to move on.

I can't even begin to tell you the wave of emotions I have had over the past few days. There have been sleepless nights. Mornings I have woken up crying. Anger at everyone but my husband. And of course like every woman that has been through this I blame myself.

I have decided to create this blog because I am not much of a writer but I am a laptop junkie and love to type. My thoughts can be contained in this internet diary. Also over the past several days I have taken great comfort in other blogs written from miscarriage survivors. My new quest is to help others that have to go through this.