It has been 6 long months trying to have a baby. I am starting to loose hope. I mentioned to Jay last night that I was not sure if I could continue to do this. My emotions have been on a roller coaster for the past 6 months. They start with hope and optimism, they break down into despair, and then rebuild themselves for the possibility of something great, only to be torn down again. I find myself questioning the little bit of faith that I have. I just read on someone else's blog that they were considering going back on birth control pills and never admitting the fact that they considered having a baby. That sounds like a great idea right now. I hope within the next few days as my PMS goes away that I can have hope again.
Yep. It is going to interesting this week to say the least. Monday- Thanksgiving feast day with a bunch of rowdy 4th graders. Enough said. Tuesday- said 4th graders will be even wilder and I will have to try to keep them under control and then go to graduate class that night and present a project Wednesday- clean the house for Thanksgiving and find an hour to work out. Thursday- Oh Thursday, we will get to that in a minute. Friday- Recover
A few years ago I took over the holiday duties from my grandmother. I was happy to do it and I still am. But, let me give you a little run down of how it goes. We have done EVERYTHING the same at Thanksgiving and Christmas as long as I can remember. Well my grandma and mom begin calling me to plan a month in advance (and Jay wonders where I get it from, ha). Grandma brings her gallons of chardonnay. Yes, you read that right. Which most say "whoo-hoo your g-ma sounds fun". Well she is most days. But, when she falls off a barstool in your living room and almost lands on your 12 pound dog, that is not so fun. And to be honest, I am dreading the holidays this year. I guess because I am not sure how I will feel. My sadness seems to sneak up on me quickly and sometimes without warning. Thursday will be the first time I have seen any of my family members since my m/c. I am also not sure how I feel about that. My m/c was two months ago and many of the people in my life have not had as much presence as I would have thought that they would. I am not mad, maybe just disappointed. My hope is that the holidays will bring joy and not sorrow.
I have always known that PMS is evil. I think everyone knows that. But, when you are TTC it is downright devilish. Lets think about it. Signs of PMS: emotional, crampy, hungry. And now lets evaluate early pregnancy signs: emotional, crampy, hungry. I woke up this morning and tested and I would be lying to you if I said it was the only test I have taken this week. I thought it was a shot in the dark because my temp went down this morning. And, you guessed it BFN. I was very emotional last night. I love Halloween, with a passion. But, this year I could not even bring myself to turn on the porch lights and give out candy. It was utterly too sad for me. I went to Target yesterday afternoon and went to look at the Halloween stuff that was on sale. They had onesies that said "my 1st Halloween" and all I could think about was how I was supposed to be buying one of those for my baby. I should be about to find out the sex of the baby, not praying over sticks that there will be two lines. If Halloween brings up these emotions, what will Thanksgiving and Christmas be like?
-"Today I am pregnant and I love my baby." --"I am pregnant until someone tells me otherwise." --"My past does not dictate my future. A previous m/c does not mean I will have another m/c." --"Just because something sad is happening to another poster, does not mean it will happen to you." We all know m/c and complications are not contagious! -- "Hope does not make bad things happen" You cannot ‘jinx’ your pregnancy by creating a ticker, getting excited, or telling someone. Live in the positive! --And this is the hardest one: "There is nothing I can do to prevent a m/c from happening. Worrying yourself sick doesn't prevent a m/c. And if (gods forbid) it were to happen again, I know I will survive."