Saturday, September 13, 2008

Maybe this time

I am hoping that this blog ends up more successful than my cooking blog. I started that with excitement too. I began around February and by April I had all but forgotten about it. Maybe since this one won't have as many pictures I can upkeep this one.

On July 18, 2008 my husband and I recieved the great news that we were expecting our first child. We were shocked because we decided not even a week before I ovulated that we would "let nature takes its course". We thought it was going to take a while but we were so ecastic that it happened so soon. The pregnancy seemed like it was going well. I had a crap load of symptoms. I had a great deal of nausea and vomiting and everyone said "oh that is such a good sign". But I could not shake this feeling like something was wrong. I kept telling my husband "I just don't think there is a baby". He would tell me to stop worrying, as I have a tendency to be a worrier. I never had any baby dreams, it was hard to imagine even holding this baby, and I would shy away from anything baby related. I never even felt comfortable or excited in a baby store. Which is strange because I love anything shopping related. But, I kept pushing that feeling to the back of my brain and kept telling myself that every week that goes by without something wrong is a great sign. I was entering the end of my 1st trimester and when my symptoms started to disappear and was worried but convinced myself that it was the fact that I was going into the 2nd trimester.

At exactly 11 weeks while visiting my inlaws, I started spotting. I freaked out and called the dr. Who of course told me it was very normal in pregnancy and that unless I had "period" bleeding that I should not worry, but he wanted to see me first thing Monday morning. My husband was scheduled to fly to Delaware that Monday morning and being the optimisitc one that he is, he kept saying "I really think everything is ok and that I can leave Monday". I begged him to stay. He of course did. At 8:30 Monday morning- Spetember 8, I went to the OB and they immediately tried to find a heartbeat and couldn't. The dr. tried to relieve my worries and said "we can only hear about 50% of heartbeats as far along as you are." They then sent me back for an internal ultrasound. Within seconds I knew something was wrong. The ultrasound tech kept asking "are you sure about your dates?" She left the room and my poor husband says "is that the baby?" and I said "we don't have a baby". When the dr. came in he said "I am sorry but this is a miscarriage". My pregnancy mantra was "I am pregnant until a medical professional tells me otherwise." Well...

After talking to many other woman on message boards and in real life I knew immediately I wanted a D&C. They told me I could do it that day or the next. I said that day. We went to outpatient surgery and most things were a blur. My husband was my rock during all of this he called everyone and took great care of me. But, when I saw him cry I knew that my feelings were not just an overreaction. Some of the questions before surgery did nothing but upset me. For instance "Are you pregnant?" How do I answer that? But the D&C itself was by far the easiest process. I woke up feeling like that now I could begin to move on.

I can't even begin to tell you the wave of emotions I have had over the past few days. There have been sleepless nights. Mornings I have woken up crying. Anger at everyone but my husband. And of course like every woman that has been through this I blame myself.

I have decided to create this blog because I am not much of a writer but I am a laptop junkie and love to type. My thoughts can be contained in this internet diary. Also over the past several days I have taken great comfort in other blogs written from miscarriage survivors. My new quest is to help others that have to go through this.


Amy said...

I'm glad you're getting this out! I'll add you to my blog, so I'll know when there is an update. I love you.

Wifezzilla said...

what a common theme, knowing something is wrong and the husband being the "voice of reason". i am sorry for your loss, and you are welcome to enjoy my pity party as well. it's a pretty big bitter group, from what i could tell.

good luck.

Laura said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had a very hard time with the questionaire before the D&C as well. I ended up crossing out "yes" and "no" next to "Are you pregnant" and writing "Not anymore. This is a D&C. I'm having a miscarriage". Bitter? Yes. Truthful? Hell yes!

I'm really hoping you get a better ending with your next prengnacy.