Monday, January 31, 2011
Spilling my guts
I am not writing this post to have you feel sorry for me. Not to get condolences. But to tell you about my thoughts about how it was all meant to be. I am an open person, might as well share this too.
December 23, 2010 we got a little surprise in the form of a positive pregnancy test. We were excited, but scared, of course. Wondering why in the world God would bless us with this surprise at this moment. My grandparent's health was declining, even to the point of not coming to Christmas. Which if you know my grandma, you know she lives for getting together at Christmas. So it was a big deal that she couldn't come. As Jay and I began to think about our new little surprise, I of course started to think of names. I told Jay that I really wanted to name our future child after my grandparents. Specifically, if it was a boy I wanted to name him after my grandpa. And if it was a girl I wanted to use their last name for her name. Jay loved the idea. So a couple of days before my first doctors appointment, I called my grandparents and told them that I was expecting and that I wanted to name the child after them. This made my grandpa cry. I have never heard him cry before. It was a perfect conversation. I told them while they were both on the phone how much they had meant to me over the years and that I loved them. At the doctor's appointment it was discovered that this pregnancy would be my second miscarriage.
6 days later my grandpa passed away in the middle of the night. In my grief I started to take comfort in memories. Then I thought about our last conversation. Our last perfect conversation. I still don't know why the pregnancy didn't last. But I do know that through this pregnancy, I had an opportunity to let my grandpa know exactly what he meant to me. Had it now been for that, I probably would have continued along with my everyday life, not taking the time to stop and tell someone how much they mean to me. And I am so thankful for that moment. It was all meant to be.